I remember perfect weather. It was beautiful outside when I left life as I know it to check into the hospital and have my baby. The day she was born was the first frost of the fall. Somehow in my labory drug fueled haze I remember thinking it was perfect weather to have my baby. How crisp fall air was coming and I could take her home and bask in it.

For the next 3 weeks I watched that beautiful weather from a couch in a hospital room. I longed to be out in it. On the few trips home to shower the desperation I felt when I saw women with a stroller was painful. I felt like time was eating away at me and the perfect fall air was only a reminder of it.

3 weeks passed in blur, and we took her home. We brought her to doctors appointments, and target, and her first farmers market. And then we went back to the hospital for her first cardiology check up. And they told us we had to stay. I remember catching my breath, tears welling up, and saying “fuck” quite loudly. And the weather stayed beautiful, and passed us by again, while we spent seven more days locked away. It felt like being in the worst/best hotel/prison ever.

When we were finally free I desperately wanted to be outside with my child. To no longer be confined. The claustrophobic feeling of it all didn’t really hit me until we left. There were times in it all, where I realized I hadn’t even left her room in over 24 hours. Not even to stretch. I simply couldn’t stand to be away from her. I was a mess. A wreck. There was no time for normal new parent meltdowns or post partum depression, as my child’s tiny body learned how to function. That room became my home, my prison and my comfort.

The children’s hospital had a radio-thon this summer and I realized how very lucky we were. I couldn’t see it for a while, amidst the alarming machines, ventilators and transfusions. I’ve been reading her medical record too, and it blows me away to see those moments, those terrifying incidents transcribed by the doctors who I was putting all of my faith and hope into. But now, when we go back for check ups, I see it. The looks on the faces of the families getting their parking passes, wearing their security badges. We were lucky. We are lucky. So lucky.

And so she sleeps. Next to me, like she does every night. She fidgets, and rolls, snuggles and nurses. It’s like someone took my heart out of my body and put it into her. Every so often, on a night like tonight, where the air is crisp and cold again, I’m reminded of our time there, not so long ago. And I feel the strangest mix of emotion.

We drove past one night and weight of it all simply over took me. We had spent the evening wandering the lake front with her, having a perfect night. We drove past and I felt this rock in my stomach. This deep fear and overwhelming gratitude. And then my husband, my wonderful husband, rolls down his window and screams “thank you for saving our daughter!”. And just like that a giggle and tear escaped at the same time. This little family we’ve built is everything to me. It’s all I need, she, he and I.

A portrait of my child, once a week, every week in 2013

This week she turns 1. Sometimes I can’t believe it’s been a year. This time has flown by so quickly I barely remember it. Yesterday my husband and I were trying to remember what we were doing a year ago, while I was heavily pregnant and majorly over due. It’s so hazy. Like life before her was just a fog. And she’s hit one of those leaps where she seems to grown up overnight again. It’s both frightening and heart warming to see.

While shopping for her birthday present my husband turned to me and said “Thanksgiving!!” I must have looked very confused because he followed it up with “she gets to eat food!”. We are a food oriented family that much is certain. These milestones keep coming like an avalanche with no stopping them. They sweep you up and carry you away and when the ride stops you’re sitting next to this child, who resembles the one you met at the top but is so much more.

She loves it when I leave the back door open for her so she can crawl back and forth from the kitchen to the back porch. The light was streaming in beautifully one morning and she found my boots. Watching her shove her entire arm in my boots and giggle was highly entertaining. The shift in things you find amusing after having a child is intense at times.

Last week my favorite photo came from Jodi, the brain behind this photo project. I absolutely love the way the water ripples in this portrait, the color of it ,and the gesture of legs passing by.

My baby is a Madison Birth Center baby. Sort of. I received all of my prenatal care there. But then when it came time to have the baby, things changed and I was checking in to the hospital. For months I went to see the amazing women at the Birth Center, and asked question after question while our midwives patiently assuaded mine and my husbands fears. I spent more time with these women then any doctor in my entire life. I felt connected, valued and safe with them. And when it came time to have our girl even though it wasn’t where we had planned, or how, or even resembling our birth plan, our midwife was there. And she stayed. In the days to come, she visited as much as family, bringing warm wishes, help and advice. It was a terrifying time for us, and she gave hope that made things a tiny bit less terrifying.

Recently the birth center had its annual picnic. Sadly it will be the last one, as come November it will be closing its doors(you can thank the insurance companies). We planned on going the moment we heard about it, last year we were locked away in a hospital room and couldn’t show off our brand new babe. This year we went, and I was determined to make a delicious dessert. It is after all, how I show my gratitude and love.I adapted these ice cream sandwiches to make them into a cookie that could withstand hot blustery days. I also may have made these homemade oreos for the event. Both were quick and easy, an essential component of any dessert I make while chasing after a young toddler determined to pull out the dogs fur. I was particularly impressed with the lemon cream sandwiches. They were everything pre-packaged lemon creams are not. They were, in my opinion, perfect the perfect summer dessert to show my gratitude.

Lemon Cream Sandwiches

Ingredients

For the cookies:
1 cup flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, room temperature
3/4 cup sugar
1 tablespoon molasses
1 large egg
1/2 teaspoon lemon juice
1 teaspoon lemon zest

For the cream:
4 ounces cream cheese, room temperature
1/4 cup(1/2 stick) unsalted butter, room temperature
2 cups confectioners sugar
1 teaspoon lemon juice
1 teaspoon lemon zest

Directions

1. Make cookies: Preheat oven to 375°F with rack in middle. Butter 9×13 baking pan and line with parchment, leaving a 1-inch overhang on each side, then butter parchment. Whisk together flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt in a small bowl. Beat together butter and sugar in another bowl with an electric mixer at medium-high speed until pale and fluffy, about 3 minutes. Beat in egg, molasses and vanilla. At low speed, add flour mixture in 2 batches, mixing until just combined. Spread into thin, even layer in baking pan with offset spatula. Bake until golden-brown but still tender, 15-20 minutes. Cool completely in pan, about 30 minutes.

2. Make cream filling: In the bowl of an electric mixer cream butter and cream cheese until light and fluffy. Add confectioners sugar gradually. Add lemon juice and zest.

3. Assemble cookies: Using a piping bag(or a ziploc) pipe tablespoon sized dollups of cream onto one cookie, cover with another cookie and press down to spread cream to edges.

A portrait of my child, once a week, every week in 2013

She is counting down the days to turning 1. Well maybe I am the one counting down the days. It’s a milestone I am not quite ready for, feeling in a way like I have to let go of her being a baby. Like I need to help foster more independence in her somehow. She is still sooo dependent on me. Don’t misunderstand, I in no way mind this, at times I almost relish it. It does however make it harder on the other people in our life who watch her while I’m working. She is the easiest baby on the planet for me. She can however, be quite high maintenance for others. Yes her turning one is exciting, and a bit sad for me. This year went by so disturbingly fast.

She’s also becoming quite snuggly at times. When the tears start after a nap ends, a quick snuggle from her Papa makes it all better. She’s taken to flinging her arms or legs over me when she sleeps in our bed, or burrowing into her Papas back. She’s even starting giving out coveted open mouth sloppy kisses. They border on kind of gross at times but are the sweetest thing.

I loved the light on this little climbing babe this week.

A portrait of my child, once a week, every week in 2013

She’s turning into a regular little book worm. Books have always been at the top of her list for favorite toys, but lately she seems to really take them in. Books about animals appear to be her favorite, even over books with other babies in them. This has become one that she grabs every time, Puppies Are Like That!. It was my husbands as a child, and is well loved(to the point of destruction). The illustrations in it are really lovely, and I think part of why she’s so drawn to it. Occasionally she even allows me to read bits and pieces of it to her.

My favorites this week included an ever so serious young man, these tiny little feet lounging, and a round little belly getting a hand with a glass of milk.

I have taken more photographs then I can count of this girl, and at times choosing just one per week has been difficult, so as promised, here are some of the photographs I have loved but left out of the 52 project:She still looks so small sometimes when she sleeps.She is starting to get into Elmo videos on our phones. She doesn’t get to watch tv so she must be one cranky girl if we’ve handed her an Elmo video.I love the light in this one.We bought this pool as an early birthday present last weekend. The Wonder Woman airplane raft we’ve had for a while.She was climbing me here. It’s one of her favorite activities. Also, those eyes!We went to an outdoor concert at a brewery on Friday night with my parents and she loved it. She sat on the table eating pork and crackers and dancing.She didn’t feel like sleeping after her bath on Saturday, so while the sun set she played with her books and toys until she was tired. There’s something so fascinating to me about watching her entertain herself.

“A portrait of my child, once a week, every week in 2013”

Every week there’s something new. A million somethings. This week it’s dancing. My baby has started to dance, and it is the cutest, most hilarious thing I have ever seen. There’s something so amazing about it. That uninhibited natural movement to rhythm. The first few times she did it I almost cried. She is becoming so much more a little girl and less a baby by the minute. She’s broke two more teeth this week, for a grand total of seven. Although who knows there could be more in there, as it’s getting harder and harder to look or feel in her mouth. It’s getting more difficult to get her to do anything she’s not interested in doing these days. Diaper changes often turn into a game of tame the wild alligator and she’s perfected her newest screech of dismay. I fear this kid will become quite good at throwing temper tantrums all too soon.

Speaking of tantrums… No she was not having one in this photo. She cried for a second while I took the camera strap away and then happily went back to playing. And I swear I wasn’t torturing her for photos. I have a harder time choosing photos lately, as I find I have too many I love. Maybe I’ll post a few later this week.

Last week I loved this photo. The crib next to the bed, the pose, sleeping in just a diaper, it so reminded me of my girl.

There should be another photo here. One of the blackberries, before they became sorbet. Yes, yes there should. But alas, there is no other photo. There is no other photo, because after making the sorbet, the berries I hoarded for their solo photo were devoured by my dog. Along with a pint of blueberries, a slice of cake and some cottage cheese. Apparently I left the fridge open. Oops. What these dogs lack in attention since the arrival of our daugther, they more then make up for in food. They are both getting fat. And now that she has figured out how to intentionally throw them snacks from her high chair, I fear they will just get fatter. Hopefully it makes up for the handfuls of fur she occasionally yanks out of them. Were still working on the concept of gentle with her.

Back to sorbet. Have you ever had a dessert that was just so pure and simple and perfect that you could not get enough? That’s what this sorbet is. Three ingredients. Berries, water, sugar. And it’s pure bliss in your mouth. The second I tasted it I wished I had bought 10 more pints of berries at the farmers market. Berries only labeled “wildberries” since that is exactly what they were. Some unknown variety of blackberry that I’ve never seen in stores, not the typical larger berry, yet not a black cap. But so perfet and sweet. There is just no way to replicate this sorbet with a store bought brand. It is worth going to pick wild berries to make this dessert. But if you can’t, just buy some blackberries and make it anyway. I promise you it’s worth it.Wildberry Sorbet

A note on this recipe: This is one of the easiest desserts you will make. But not everyone has an ice cream maker(go get one they’re fantastic!). If you don’t have an ice cream maker simply turn it into a granita. Pour the strained puree into a glass baking dish and freeze, removing every 2 hours and scraping with a fork until it is light and fluffy.

Ingredients

1 cup water
1 cup sugar
2 1/2 pints fresh blackberries

Directions

1. In a medium saucepan heat sugar and water over medium heat until sugar dissolves. Remove from heat and cool. Transfer to a blender and add blackberries. Puree until smooth. Pour through a fine mesh sieve and transfer to an ice cream maker. Freeze according to manufacturers instructions.

“A portrait of my child, once a week, every week in 2013”

For the first time since becoming a mother I’m really started to notice the exhaustion creep in. I’m certain it was there in the beginning but amidst all of the chaos I never felt it. Yes, I felt weak physically. Especially that night when she transferred hospitals and we followed the nicu ambulance to the children’s hospital. Trying to keep up as they pushed my 4 day old child down hallway after hallway felt like running a marathon. But now I just need a good nap. Or 5. I didn’t sleep well throughout my entire pregnancy so were coming up on a year and a half since I had a solid 8 hours. I don’t even remember what it feels like. I’ve tried caffeine in the mornings and I just get jittery and feel sick. No what I need is a good nap. And I told my husband today that next weekend I will be taking one.

This weeks photo is brought to you by beautiful summer weather. It’s been a little warmer then my perfect weather, but not too hot to play outside. And this kid loves to be outside. I wish our yard was more kid friendly and less dog friendly. Ok it’s not the dog friendly I have a problem with, it’s the dog poop and pee. Although I am looking forward to fall, we are soaking up the last bits of summer swimming, roasting marshmallows and grilling out. It’s been really lovely and I’m planning on continuing until the weather no longer permits.

You can find my favorite photo this week here. A beautiful girl, gorgeous light and vacation. Oh vacation how I miss you.