We welcomed this girl into our lives last Friday night.  In a whirlwind of pain and excitement, it was an intense experience I won’t soon forget, but barely remember.  

My heart is so full as my achy body tries to slowly recover, quicker than I thought possible, yet not quite as quickly as I’d like.

My husband looked at me the other day, while I was holding our brand new baby and said “you needed a baby”  He told me how I needed her to make me whole, and to heal me from the chaos that was the birth of our first daughter.   She’s 10 days old today and I’ve held her so much it feels like second nature.  The first time around I had barely just held my baby once at 10 days old.   In a way I feel like my first born was cheated, but I feel so grateful to have what I do this time.

I threw my birth plan out the window pretty quickly after going into labor and this time by choice.  I realized that this wasn’t up to me, it was up to my baby and my body and I was just a passenger in the process so I decided to do what I felt I needed to cope and if that meant medication, I was ok with that.  I had an amazing team of people around me, from my husband and doula, to the nurses and the midwife on duty.  It was an incredibly painful, eye opening and amazing experience.  I felt stronger and weaker than I ever thought possible, but in the end I had a perfect little baby, who I got to hold immediately and who nursed within the hour (and didn’t stop for at least another hour).  After asking if she was ok about 20 times all I could do was tell her how soft she was.  And how shocked I was that she had hair.

We took her home 24 hours after she was born and she’s fit in perfectly ever since.   The transition for her sister has been better than I could have ever imagined.  She’s smitten with her and wants to hold her and pet her and take care of her.  I’m amazed by her kindness and love and her patience with me and the changing dynamic in our relationship.  She’s made a process I was so scared of, easier than I could have possibly hoped.  I do miss sleeping next to her, as I did every night towards the end of my pregnancy, and she’s said she misses it too.  But she’s not jealous, or acting out, she’s accepting and loving and patient.

I’m certain this will get harder, I know babies change rapidly, sleep is lost and patience is tested.  But for now, these two little girls are filling my heart more then I could have possibly anticipated.